[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
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We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
let’s discuss
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.