Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
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*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
why would tinder want me to say this
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there