I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
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idk what he going thru but i feel him
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf