Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
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After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.