a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
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I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Muppet Screams
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear