I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
You Might Also Like
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him