If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
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Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
next question.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Finally, a door that understands me
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.