Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
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Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Planet of the Apps.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
do what now??
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
#titanic
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.