70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
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I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?