Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
You Might Also Like
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.