Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
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3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA