girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
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ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
You better watch out
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.