Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
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Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!