FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
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what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?