In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
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Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Trying
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.