At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
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90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
every. time.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Well, that didn’t work.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill