I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
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No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.