wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
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We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Born to be mild.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
yes… yes…
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
You can’t outrun your problems…
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.