ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
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PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
i really liked this one
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
“TGIM!” – My liver
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
This is me
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.