At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
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My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
🤣
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Oh my God.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..