16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
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reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.