Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
You Might Also Like
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I hope google does well on my son’s test
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered