Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
bought wrong eggs
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.