Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
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Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?