Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
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I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
This is enough internet for the day.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
idk flipping houses looks really hard