[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
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My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.