Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
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Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder