My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
You Might Also Like
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.