OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
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Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
How do you like your Corgi?