nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
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Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Employees must applaud the planets.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free