windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
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servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury