‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
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mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
That’s amazing.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.