Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
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[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I feel it
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
i meant to share this earlier
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.