Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
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If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
#milo
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Childbirth is so beautiful
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
just gave your address to some spiders
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Sticker placement is key.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.