Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
You Might Also Like
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
The Birdles
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
me, too, girl. me, too.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.