I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
honestly, i need both:
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.