Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
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cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!