The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
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please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky