[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
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I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never