Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
You Might Also Like
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume