moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
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One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”