You take the oxy out of oxymoron
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Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.