LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
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My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I love the honesty
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin