Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
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I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!