I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
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Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Natty or not?
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?