Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
You Might Also Like
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Always a metermaid never a meter
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.