I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
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I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I’m giving up ice.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.