The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
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I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley