Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
You Might Also Like
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
When I laugh on my period
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.