My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
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mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
How funny!
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Monica just destroyed the internet
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.